By Media Monkey
Ever feel like everyone around you is just a character? Like in a video game? That’s because, in a way, they are!
GWU! has cracked the code on the concept that we may all be living in a sort of fake simulation, populated by NPCs. The theory goes that NPCs (Non-Player Characters) who we interact with are incapable of independent thought and pre-programmed to behave or speak in repetitive or specific ways that nudge the game … of life. Think, people starting conversations about the weather or repeating nonsensical mantras like; ‘Free speech must be censored to save Our DemocracyTM’,‘Safe and effective’ or ‘Skibidi toilet is living rent free in your brainrot brain, amirite?’
Level up on your free will and confirm that everyone bot you is an NPC as GWU! deprograms the non-playable characters of life.
1. The Innocent Bystander
As ordinary citizens or semi-sentient bots, these prolific NPCs populate the majority of the game. They are unable to affect change for themselves or their surroundings. These innocent bystanders may need saving or simply just fill in the background. They can be seen in their natural habitat of office cubicles with their eyes fixed firmly on a screen downloading whatever current thing they have been instructed to care about that day.
2. The Quest Giver
This is an NPC character who provides players with tasks or missions you feel morally obligated to take on. They can come in the form of village leaders who claim to speak for humanity, but actually speak for big business or concerned citizens who want to talk to your manager. They can be further identified by their constant calling for health and climate lockdowns.
See also: 7 Key Conservative Policies That the MSM Doesn’t Want You to Know
These predictable characters drive the plot forward by assigning tasks such as reducing your carbon emissions or getting your booster. They have the special power to reward players with free donuts and Universal Basic Income which also comes with myocarditis as well as owning nothing and being happy.
3. The Informant
This free thinking and socially awkward NPC has access to valuable information. Informants can be spies, hackers, hobos or street performers.
Providing the most useful alternative facts in this game of life, players are given hints, secret secret knowledge and crucial lore. Listen to what these NPCs say but do your own research on the game and build up your XPerience Points. Be wary of their heath supplements and Ponzi crypto schemes.
4. The Boss
As the primary antagonist who opposes the players they are bigger than life characters that elicit hatred at the mere mention of their name. These NPCs is often complex, with their own motivations and backstory. But whether it’s making America great or locking up their political rivals they never have your best interests at heart and are not to be trusted.
Despite having no actual power as a figurehead of the actual rulers in the shadows, The Boss serves as the main source of conflict and challenge. They artificially drive the story’s tension and stakes. Whether it’s taking away your guns or your unlimited abortions, remember it’s just a game.
5. The Warrior
Strong! Proud! Pea-brained! The Warrior is often portrayed as a valiant NPC who aids the player. Don’t mistake their unwillingness to compromise with the enemy as a weakness though. They are always keen to help the player fight against evil. Look to The Warrior for inspiration whenever you’re feeling more like The Innocent Bystander.
See also OBITUARY: Death of GWU! Columnist Doreen Trudeau not caused by vaccine: Experts
6. The Princess
Beautiful, blonde and always in need of rescue, this NPC must be protected from feminism (for her own good). Her home spun dialogue harkens for a by-gone era of nostalgia, that never existed. She’s always willing to share tips with players on avoiding processed foods and bake you “healthy” organic heart increasing sourdough bread. Outside of their homes, you can encounter them “grounding” barefoot in the park for their TikTok viewers.
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